so I 18f basically ended up being like the third parent in my house even though I never asked for that role my mom has always been the type to dump responsibilities on me cooking cleaning helping with homework watching my little brothers while she went out or acted like she was too tired to deal with anything meanwhile she plans on inviting people over and doing nothing like always this year I said no I told her I’m not spending my whole Christmas being the default parent again my siblings are upset because they really want me there but I’m tired of being the only one who steps up now I feel guilty because I love my brothers but I’m also tired of giving up everything just so my mom can avoid being a parent so aita?
NTA. Parentification is a form of abuse. You deserved to be a kid, too.
I mean I feel like it’s too late for me I’m going to be 19 next year so there’s really nothing much I can do all I’m trying to do is make money so I can go right there and rent an apartment move in and get my brothers from that toxic household ASAP
I know, but I’m letting you know that your instinct is right – you never should have been treated like a third parent, it was wrong and unfair and abusive. Wanting to avoid repeating the abuse by being the third parent again this Christmas is totally normal. Your needs have been ignored in favor of your mother‘s wants, and it’s only natural that you don’t want to go through that yet again. Not wanting to be around your abuser is also a pretty common response to the trauma of abuse.
Your mom has made it clear that she won’t choose what is good or healthy or even reasonable for you, and your father apparently won’t shelter you from that, so you’re left having to choose yourself because no one else is. It’s a lousy position to be in, but a common one for children abused by their parents (including adult children).
NTA. You’re an adult you get to choose how you spend Christmas. There are some details missing from this post but it sounds like you don’t live with your mother. If that’s the case, and you do want to see your siblings, you could potentially show up for a few hours and then leave, or show up with the boundary that if she tries to make you help beyond what you’re comfortable with you’ll leave. In either scenario I would communicate expectations to your mother beforehand, and make sure you follow through with leaving. You’re certainly not obligated to show up though.
Also, not trying to be an ass, but punctuation would really help with the legibility of this post.
that’s a great idea and no I do not live with my mother anymore I moved out two months ago currently living with a friend trying to make enough money so I can rent an apartment
Ask what time the meal will be served and if mom would like you to bring some soft drinks 😎
lmao 🤣🤣🤣 okay that’s actually a good one
NTA you can show your brothers you care about them without having to be there and run Christmas. Send them gifts and maybe some candy or something so they have a treat, and let your mom sink or swim. Sometimes when the oldest kid is parentified the younger kids end up spoiled and feeling entitled to oldest’s time because that’s what Mom made them think was normal. And you take care of them but you’re not their mom so you don’t have authority to inflict and enforce punishments, so they grow up without someone correcting their behavior.
Have fun this Christmas!
Don’t go. If you’re trying to set boundaries, you need to stick to them. Find another day to bring your sibs presents and spend time with them.
thank you
NTA, but your siblings Christmas is going to suck because the person who makes Christmas good will not be there.
NTA
All of your points that you made are valid.
You refer to yourself as the *third* parent. Where is the actual *second* parent, then? Why is it only your mother’s fault?
Nta- you can spend another day with your brothers to celebrate Christmas with them and spend the actual day wherever you like. You’re not required or obligated to go back and spend Christmas with your mom