19m was hanging out with some friends, one is 18m and has adhd. We were all talking about our courses and how we did as most of us got our scores back by now for our first modules coursework and exams.
The friend with adhd got 70-85%s across all his work. Which if you’re unfamiliar with the way stuff is marked at a uk university is considered EXTREMELY good and apparently (taking his word when asked) marks weren’t inflated or anything class averages where like 40-60 range.
He’s doing law as well which obviously carries a reputation with it, or at least if you’re doing a degree in circus performance or whatever it does, so the other friends in the group where hyping up how smart he is. And instead of being honest about how he got those grades he starts talking about how hard he’s been trying because of how grim it is to secure post graduate training as a solicitor apparently so even though first year doesn’t count towards your degree it’s just in case it’ll still impact something somewhere.
I jump in and say like come on be honest you’re not REALLY trying that hard though. I mention how because of his adhd he’s got
1. Flexible coursework deadlines, as in I seen him get a 2 week extension without even needing to submit a form just ask nicely. 2. Extra time in exams. 3. “Supportive software” that’s borderline unethical imo. 4. Weekly Study skills assistant who can explain everything to him if he needs. 5. Any notes not on the uploaded lecture slides you’re supposed to have the note taking skills to get down in the lecture he can just have.
And I start making jokes about imagine him actually being a solicitor tho. “Yh sorry I know you’re in front of a judge tomorrow but I need another 2 weeks” and I said like be honest you ARE being coddled through your course with WAY more help than you actually need. If I had all that and didn’t get a first class there’d be something terribly wrong.
He said I don’t know what it’s like and I try and argue against that by saying but I know you and I know you don’t actually need all that or you wouldn’t be able to function day to day or at least wouldn’t be suited for such an academic path if he needs so much help with it. So either he needs all this and it’s wrong or he doesn’t and it’s wrong.
But then not just him all of them started on me saying I sound bitter and mad for no reason and even though I did say it in a lighthearted tone they were all like “calm down” and “there’s no need” when I wasn’t even mad and they said I was just being a dick now? As if we don’t make fun off each other for worse All the time? Idk tho maybe it’s a topic you’re not meant to talk about.
So I stop but then they keep joking about my “crashing out over absolutely nothing” and really acting as if did something wrong by even talking about it.
YTA. Don’t make fun of people’s disabilities unless they’ve already let you know it’s fair game for jokes.
YTA. He literally has a disability
YTA. He gets accommodations because he has a disability. It’s hard to understand if you’re neurotypical, but ADHD can really impede both academic and social functioning. It sounds like he’s managing it well, and he’s advocating for himself at uni (and good for him for doing so). You should be happy for your friend instead of, well, being bitter and mad.
YTA and very ableist. So what if he gets a little extra help. HE’S still the one putting in the legwork to get the grade. It’s probably twice as hard for him than for you because of it. Do yourself a favor and skip commenting on invisible disabilities. It makes you sound jealous and bitter.
YTA , his brain is wired different and kudos to him for having insight into and understanding what he himself needs . He will always struggle his life with it. Apologise and start being my proactive about being more understanding geniunly
YTA. He has a disability, and you’re not his doctor or therapist. You absolutely cannot tell based on hanging out with him how he functions in timed testing environments, or how he processes large amounts of information, or how his ADHD affects time management and other executive functions. You do sound bitter and angry, and also really ignorant.
YTA, try educating yourself about ADHD before you make statements like that.
YTA
Judging neurodivergent ppl or those with disabilities based on your own experience is like telling a short person they just need to stretch more to reach the thing on the high shelf, because that ls what I do.
You don’t know what his lived experience is, you could have asked but instead you let your jealousy and bitterness overwhelm you, and you decided to belittle them instead.
So you can learn and apologise or you will be certain that you are correct & continue feeling jealous.
Yes YTA. You are not a doctor or in any sort of capacity to dictate or determine what supports are/aren’t needed. You are definitely bitter.
YTA even before you said what you said to him. It’s very clear you don’t like this guy and wanted to shit talk him as soon as you had an opportunity.
“He’s doing law as well which obviously carries a reputation with it, or at least if you’re doing a degree in circus performance or whatever it does” what the fuck does this mean?
And finally yes you’re a bitter, jealous AH for what you said about him. Do you even know what ADHD is and how it impacts people? Also everyone can tell if you’re being a bitter asshole even if you’re saying it in a “lighthearted tone”. You’re not fooling them, and that’s why you can’t joke about it. You’re not joking, you mean every single bit of it.
YTA. He gets extra time and help because it takes him longer to process things, which means he has to work that much harder than most people. Good on him for being self aware and getting the help he needs to succeed. Sounds like you’re jealous.
YTA. Your friends are right and you need to genuinely apologize. He didn’t just get handed accommodations because he has a disability. He had to go through the process of being approved for those **specific** accommodations. Also, having those accommodations doesn’t make things easier for him — it’s puts him on the same playing field as everyone else. He still has to know the content of the courses to get through the assignments and exams *the same as everyone else*.
He’s going to be a damn good lawyer. He won’t need the accommodations when he gets into the work force because as the courses progress the accommodations are less and less useful, so he’ll have the means to be able to progress into it as a pace that actually works for his brain.
I know well because even with my accommodations I worked my ass off through college accounting. I was top of my class. Hell I was tutoring everyone else. Those notes just made it so my brain could stay on track. The extra exam time helped when I started second guessing myself because I would read the question so many times it stopped making sense, or I would take it 8 different ways. When I hit Uni, those accommodations were almost useless. Mainly because I had a newborn but also because it didn’t actually help me keep up with what I needed to know for our exams and assignments because there was just *so much*.
A full course load in Uni is **hard**. Even harder with ADHD. Give your buddy a break.
YTA. as someone with ADHD those things just barley help us! and even if they help so what, he found a way to study that helps him learn! that’s a disability and he needs assistance. you’re the asshole and ableist.
Yeah YTA who sounds bitter.
It was explained by someone smarter than me like this: everyone in the world has to walk around holding 100 marbles, and you can’t figure out how they do it because all you do is drop the damn things, until one day you realize everyone else has a bag to carry them while you were making it work with just your hands. Most people drop a couple but that’s normal. Instead of being given a bag, you get given a bowl to carry them in which is awesome once you learn how to carry it, because you figure out how to balance them and, with concentration, can carry almost 100 marbles without dropping any (although on bad days you drop the lot).
Unfortunately, some of the bag holders who drop ten or so marbles a day see you carrying your 100, and start complaining that *they* didn’t get given a bowl so obviously you are cheating. After all, *they* are normal and drop marbles, so how dare you be better than they are, even though it takes more work and effort to carry a bowl than a bag?
You are the person complaining you didn’t get a bowl you don’t need.
Have you paused to consider that, if your friend was neurotypical, he would be getting those grades anyway? So you only think he deserves support if he does worse than you after the help is applied? Do you understand that the help is for him to live up to his potential, not for him to do as well as a mediocre neurotypical?