I (f30) live with my partner (m30) in a 120 sqm apartment. We have a bedroom, a guest room with a large air mattress, and a sofa. This would have been the first time hosting Christmas at our place, and I was really excited, I even bought extra decorations to make it cozy.
The whole thing started because my MIL (f59) asked if we could celebrate at our place. She was left by her husband this year and didn’t want to spend Christmas alone. The plan was: MIL, SIL, possibly a cousin from my partner’s side, my parents, and my aunt. His family lives 450 km away, mine only 50 km.
When I told my parents (f63, m65), they immediately said, “Okay, we’ll reserve the couch then.” Basically inviting themselves. At the time, I didn’t know how many people from my partner’s side would actually come, so I didn’t comment.
Now that Christmas is close and it’s clear three people from his side need to stay over, I told my mom that we only have the air mattress and sofa, and asked if they could either drive home at night (45 min) or stay in a nearby hotel. There are plenty of options in the city.
She didn’t take it well. She said we “promised from the start” they could stay. She also said a hotel isn’t possible because my dad “can’t walk that far” (news to me) and it “wouldn’t be a real Christmas” if they had to drive home and couldn’t drink wine.
I explained that the situation only became clear recently, and for a while, it wasn’t even clear if only my MIL would come. I also said I want to sleep in my own bed. I’ve spent the last ten years driving home late after Christmas with my parents just to be in my bed and with my cats.
What makes this harder: I’ve always struggled to say “no” to my parents or set boundaries. When we talked about this in person two days ago, my mom immediately started crying. It’s hard because I don’t want to seem selfish, but when I think about it later, my needs don’t feel unreasonable.
After some drama, my mom said her “solution” is that we celebrate at their house if they can’t sleep at ours. That feels more like avoiding the conflict than a solution. I’m sad because I was really looking forward to hosting our first Christmas.
So, AITA for telling my parents they can’t stay over and should drive home instead?
Some people cling to traditions that no longer work. What you are describing is not going to work. So let them stay home if they can’t get a hotel.
How does not being able to walk far rule out a hotel? There are such things as uber and designated drivers.
I think this whole thing could have been avoided if you told your parents they couldn’t stay the night *from the start*. Your silence meant you were okay with it. TBH, I can see why your mom is hurt.
I agree. From the mom’s point of view it probably feels like she is getting kicked out to accommodate SIL and cousin. She didn’t even ask for the guest room, just the couch. If mom can stay at a hotel, why can’t SIL and the cousin stay at the hotel? Especially if they weren’t even sure if they were coming until now?
ESH – because she did invite herself and your dad but you also suck because well, you didn’t shut it down… Time to learn to set those boundaries.
INFO: You said “I’ve spent the last ten years driving home late after Christmas with my parents just to be in my bed and with my cats.” Was that something that was *required* because they *wouldn’t let you stay over*, or something you *chose to do* simply because you wanted to go home to sleep in your own bed with your cats? The way you worded it makes it more akin to the latter and not the former.
If it’s something you chose to do, then it’s not pertinent to the story. Because *choosing* to leave is much different then someone telling you that you can’t stay and not giving you the option.
Another thing I’d like to know is the ages and health of all of the people. Because if someone has a hard time getting around, and not having to travel is important, then that also makes a difference. Also, do any of them have money problems? Is staying in a hotel going to cost them money they can’t afford?
Edit: I wanted to add that you shouldn’t fall for your mother’s guilt tripping… which is exactly what she’s trying to do by crying. Don’t ever let other people guilt you into something just because they want you to feel bad for them. She’s making a case over this because they “Want to drink wine” and she’s whining when they feel they aren’t going to be able to do it. Staying over just so they can drink is NOT a valid reason. If they are that hung up on it they can drive home and have wine when they get there. They don’t HAVE to do it at your house. Just tell your mother there will be no alcohol allowed, but you’ll have sparkling cider or non-alcoholic wine.
Also, WHY didn’t you just tell your mom when she stated they’d take the couch that they wouldn’t be able to stay? Waiting for the last minute was kinda a mean move when you could have halted all this drama in the beginning. Only of there had been room after everything then you could have offered. But instead you let them believe up until the last minute.
I’m going with ESH because they assumed, but you didn’t bother to clarify ahead of time. But you could also let them stay in your bed. There are just so many ways to resolve this and you’re defaulting to “My SO’s family is more important than my parents. I’m not willing to give up my bed for my own family either. I’d rather tell them to leave. Even if it’s detrimental to my father’s health that I haven’t asked about when it turned bad.”
why can’t some of his side get a hotel? odd that you are penalizing your family. one family gets the spare room. one gets the couch and everyone else fends for themselves
That was my thought. OP evidently is a doormat.
ESH. I don’t think you need me to tell you why your mom inviting herself to stay over and etc is wrong.
But you also handled this extremely poorly and I think that has contributed to your mom being upset. You knew for a long time that if other people from the other side were coming, your parents wouldn’t be able to stay. And you knew that they expected to stay. And you didn’t tell them the situation. I think if you had told them right away when she said “we’ll take the couch” that it might not be possible because other people might be coming from further away, then she wouldn’t be as disappointed now. I get that you didn’t know exactly how it would turn out, but you apparently didn’t even let them know about your uncertainty! Come on man. You gotta communicate better when it comes to arrangements etc if you’re hosting a family event like this.
INFO: How did MIL who would be lonely for christmas turn into 3 people from your partners side staying over? were these people invited to stay before or after your parents reached out about the couch?
by saying nothing you implied it was okay. why are you choosing the after thoughts over your parents
YTA for not telling her from the beginning that she could not stay there. You created this situation by allowing her to believe she had the couch reserved. Also, why can’t your partner’s family get a hotel? Are they poor? Why are they being prioritized over your parents?
Maybe I lived in Houston too long. There is no way I’m sleeping on a couch when my own bed is 45 minutes away.
I am going g with YTA. Your moment.confirmed and asked to stay with you months ago, when your mil didn’t know if she was coming, then a set of cousins are coming and you saying to your parents they can’t stay.
I get that you didn’t invite her, but leaving to the last minute to tell her she can’t saty is wrong. You should told her from the beginning what the plan was. Also, if someone need to stay in the hotel are cousins, as it seems they were not part of the original plan to start with.
Yeah, your mum lives closer, but she confirmed first, she asked to stay with you first and you let her believe this was the plan.
YTA for the lack of imagination like holy shit; perhaps it’s because I come from a big family but there’s like 4 sleeping arrangements I can think of from the top of my head that would fit all of you guys, you can’t give up 1 night of comfortability ?