I (20F) will be turning 21 in 3 months. It’s a pretty big deal in our family and my parents (56M & 53 F) always get expensive gifts on these very important birthdays.
For the last few months i have been debating on buying myself a coach lana (€550) for this birthday, when i brought it up to my mom She said not too because a “very expensive bag was coming my way soon”. I thought she was talking about the Lana and got very excited. Now i love my mom, but she has a very different style pallet to mine, lots of flamboyant colours that attract attention that i as an introvert do not want.
Now a week ago a Louis Vuitton box appeared in my mom’s room I asked her the following:
Me: “ is that the bag you were talking about” Mom: “don’t worry about it” Me: “if your planning on buying something that expensive for me, please talk to me first so I can make sure I like it” Mom: “I will”
I thought that was that, but something in me said that’s your present and you’re gonna hate it. So, since she’s been on a work trip, I snooped. It’s a Louis Vuitton neverfull reverso in bright fluorescent blue ( €1900 ). I’m pretty sure it’s for me, as the letter of my first name is engraved on it. Please look it up, you will immediately see how absolutely disgusting this bag looks. I can only describe it as something a Smurf barfed out. I don’t understand how or why she’d think I’d like this? It honestly makes me cry because I feel like a bratty little spoiled bi### for not liking the colour of a €1900 bag, but it also hurts that she knows me so little that she’d buy me something I’d hate THAT much.
Do I tell her I know so she can return it? I’m scared she’s gonna be mad. Or am I just being an ungrateful brat who shouldn’t have touched the box ? I feel like an ass#### for whining about such an expensive bag and for snooping.
Edit/ extra info:
The reason I snooped is because I had a gut feeling she’d buy me something horrible.
My mom already ownes this bag in a beautiful shade of yellow and bought the non-reverso version for my niece in a classy shade of red. We have discussed bags similar to this one and I have told her I felt like they were all wayyy was too much.
I feel bad because I feel like she bought this bag knowing I’d hate it/ like she bought it for herself. I also feel bad because she spent so much money on a bag, (she knew I hated) when there are cheaper options she knows id love. I also feel bad for snooping/ whining.
We have a weird relationship. I love her.
I don’t know if she / I can return the bag with the embroidering. I don’t know if I want to.
Please before you judge me, look up the bag, so you can see how it looks versus the ones she bought for herself and my niece that I told her I did like.
NTA, the initials make it complicated…
But best to celebrate your 21st by putting on your big girl pants and having an honest conversation. Now is the best time to speak up and be calm, honest but firm.
I pray this bag coincidentally isn’t for you but someone else with the same initials.
She can’t return it, it’s customized, so there’s no point in mentioning it now.
YTA for snooping. You are old enough to accept a gift you don’t love gracefully. You can tell her privately after opening it and then make arrangements to resell it yourself.
Welcome to being an adult, where sometimes people will buy you things you don’t like, and you can’t stop them.
What was your goal with the snooping? She already bought the bag. There’s no way for you to say “I looked in this package you told me not to worry about, I assume this is my gift and I absolutely hate it” and have it be an enjoyable or productive conversation. Buy yourself whatever you want whenever you want (assuming you can afford it), and when someone gives you a gift you hate, say thank you graciously and then sell it if you really can’t bear to have it in your house.
FWIW, I don’t see how she’d return it if it’s customized. The store can’t re-sell it.
I think YTA here, though I do understand where you’re coming from.
Here’s the issue; you are not entitled to any large gift whatsoever. If you get a nice bag you like, wonderful! If you don’t, well, also wonderful! It’s your birthday and you should aim to be grateful for whatever gifts you get. I totally get that this is a tradition so it’s expected, and if you were inexplicably excluded from this tradition while everyone else wasn’t, that would feel crappy. But that’s not what’s happening here – you’re participating in the tradition, you’re getting an expensive new handbag…it’s just not one you would have bought for yourself.
Oh well, guess you’ll have to buy the Lana for yourself later. You’re in exactly the same position as you were before your birthday. It’s not like something was taken from you and they replaced it with this bag.
Now let’s talk about the bag! Firstly, it’s reversible. The blue can be flipped so it’s on the interior, and the classic Louis Vuitton brown pattern is on the outside. It’s a very classic tote design as well, not covered in gaudy details. It might not be the exact bag you want, but it feels a bit sensational to look at this bag and say it’s “something a Smurf barfed out.” Hilarious and I totally understand how you’re feeling, especially as you had another specific item in mind, but it is NOT bad.
Here’s what I think you do. Resign yourself to the bag. Flip it and use the brown side exclusively if you like. You don’t have to use it every day, or even regularly. Whip it out when you’re going out with your mom or when you’re visiting her and the family for holidays. I promise, carrying a bag you don’t love 4-5 times a year won’t cramp your style, but it will make your mom feel loved. Save up for the Lana and buy it on your own, and then you have the best of both worlds.
If you cause a big disturbance over this gift you are still very unlikely to get the Lana as a birthday gift. It’s unlikely she can return the Louis Vuitton as it’s custom monogrammed. All you will do is make her feel put out and upset, and reduce the chance that she’ll want to buy you another similarly large gift in the future.
And in future, temper those expectations a bit and the disappointment won’t be so bad! Don’t expect ANYTHING fancy for gifts and you’ll always be pleasantly surprised.
This is great advice!!
OP, please don’t let a purse come between you and your mom, especially if you two already have a good relationship. Just keep rereading the above comment to yourself.
Also, when you’re in your 30s and you look back on this moment, you’re going to think “why did I make such a big deal out of that”
YTA for snooping but let’s be honest, you snooped because you know your mom doesn’t know, respect or buy for your taste. Your gut recognized a negative. Your brain wanted to confirm.
Buy yourself the Lana. Wrap it up for yourself.
Open her present. Be calm. Smile slightly. Don’t take it fully out. Say, ‘you shouldn’t have! Thank you!”
Open the Lana with obvious delight. Pull it out, try it on. Explain that it was a gift to yourself in practicing self-love and marking milestones in your life with heirloom pieces.
Your mom will find a moment to talk to you about your birthday and you not seeming to like your gift. This is the moment to be full grown and gently say I have a very different style to you. I like subtle, classic, unobtrusive. The bright, modern bag you bought suits you, not me. I appreciated the thought and love from you but it’s not something I will use as it’s so outside of who I am and how I dress.
She loves you, she just projects her own ideas of what is fashionable and desirable onto you. As a mom of 5 daughters that’s normal and we all have to have that lesson, babies grow up and develop their own style. Once you’ve reacted to her clearly missing the mark she will see that and the two of you can navigate a new footing in these things.
Don’t tell her now. But just fyi, this happened to me years ago: I was on a business trip in Asia. The night before my flight home, one of the vendors I was working with left a gift at my hotel (so I could not refuse it). It was the ugliest LV handbag I had ever seen. It was hideous. I hated it. When I got back to NY, I took it to the LV store and exchanged it for a huge duffel bag and a wallet and some other thing — their pricing structure is bonkers. So at least I didn’t have to throw it out and I have that duffel bag to this day. I’m not sure about the monogramming, but assuming this was done by LV, let’s not assume 100% this makes it not exchangeable at least. They checked, when I made my return, to be sure it was a real bag and not stolen, but I was able to exchange it at least without a receipt. Maybe you can look at something like this? Or think about it? It sounds like an attempt at a lovely gesture although the bag you found is not my taste either.
YTA. If you’re turning 21, act like it. Be a gracious receiver. Don’t act like an impatient 7 year old. You are being sooo bratty. Your mom is trying and sometimes you have to receive the love, even if the gift is not to your your rigid exacting and bratty standards.
YTA and to be as respectful as I can while being perfectly honest, you come across as very entitled and bratty. You are getting a bag that would cover two months rent for many people who are less lucky than you.
Keep it and sell it in a year if you hate it. But remember to count your blessings, because it sounds like you’re very well off and may have many things to be thankful for.
that bag is so cute and when it’s reversed there’s only a slight pop of color, which might be fun for you to try! i’m sorry but YTA, i have kept gifts for years that weren’t nearly as expensive because my family got it for me and it’d be rude to just say i hate it and get rid of it immediately. i honestly can’t even fathom this predicament because my parents are kind and plenty well off but would never buy me something as expensive as even the coach bag, and i would never have the balls to ask for it. i get the expensive gifts are a tradition and maybe i just wasn’t raised feeling like i could complain about this, but you need to accept that it is a bit bratty. accept it gratefully and at least try to use it once and see if you can like it, especially since if it’s custom she can’t return it. or just give it to me girl, i love it lol
Just be grateful. Also, you’re 21 now. Time to grow up.
YTA- “if you’re planning on buying something that expensive for me, please talk to me first so I can make sure I like it”
GIRL be so for real???? You’re a grown adult and you’re upset someone’s gone out their way to purchase an expensive bag for you without verifying if it has your approval. How about thank you??? How about waiting till you see the bag in person and communicating how you feel politely??
You are whining. There are 21 year olds without parents, 21 year olds who are caring for a dying parent, 21 year olds who would be lucky for a new pair of socks, 21 year olds just fighting to be alive until 22…
Your whole attitude towards this stinks. Learn to be grateful and not to go through other people’s stuff